What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 05:18
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i lived it daily.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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She wouldn,t have been !
My family never makes their pension either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was in good health!
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She loved him until the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ive learnt so much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I said to her
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She found it foreign!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I don,t even have a pension.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What did i know ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was very sick at this time too.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I think the readers, may guess!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He knew the spot.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is soul school!.
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So, i spoilt her more .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im still living with it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When she asked me how she looked .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
So whats the point in blame.
I waited trembling.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I write beautiful poetry .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was seconnd youngest,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was 9 years of age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Who then, do I blame.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I will be 64.
I have no regrets .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Comes on , in middle age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But ive been too sick for many years..
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
Was to survive, this bastard.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She married twice! .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.